Monday, July 30, 2012

Fear and Frustration

“No good work is ever done while the heart is hot and anxious and fretted.” 
-Olive Schreiner

So for the last three days, I have been a total and complete mess of emotions. I have been sleeping, crying, eating, repeat. I have barely seen another human being. I have been wallowing in a pit of self pity. It's time I grow up. I am not going to be moving out as I had planned. I don't know what plans to make now. I don't know what to do with my life. Everytime someone tells me I need to do school, I want to scream at them and tell them to shut up and that it's not an option. Mark and I are getting a lot of opposition to our relationship, and support in some unlikely places. When someone voices their opinion I want to just shout at them that it's none of their business. This is made worse by the fact that we are currently living almost an hour apart and don't have regular communication because of phone difficulties. 

I have anxiety. I can usually manage it, or at least pretend to manage it. The last few days have been totally over whelming as I felt all my recent plans disappear. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know how to figure out what I want in life. I know I want to write, but about what or where or when eludes me. I feel this bubbling urge to get things down on paper but I feel under qualified and incompetent. 

The next few months are going to be concentrated on getting a vehicle, writing a story, and finding a new job I think. I don't know. This could all change in the next week again, too. I don't know what my future holds, and I'm guessing you don't have the answers for me either, but hey at least I wrote something down! I need to find a bit of peace and so I'm starting to try and change my mindset because I suspect this is the first step to going down a new path.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Last Month Count Down

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

This is the last month before I move out of my family home. I've lived in the same house since I was 2 years old. It is the same house my father was raised in. My dads biological father died here long before I was born, and my mother has died here. My life in this house has been bitter sweet. Lots of good times but there has been many bad or troubled times here too. 

I've lived overseas for short term, and I lived in an apartment in town for short term but I've never moved out before. I'm taking a big step. My  fiance and I will be renting with a friend in the next city over for the first couple of months. Low rent giving us a chance to get our feet under us. I know in the last month and a half my blogging has fallen out of pattern. It's probably going to stay sporadic for a bit of time. 

I can't wait to go and open these new doors. No. I don't know where I'm going to work, or what I'm going to do, but I turn 22 at the end of this month and oddly enough I no longer want to live with my dad and my 18 year old sister. It's not terribly abnormal I don't think. Things are really stressed right now in my family, and unfortunately I don't have the skills to be able to stand up under it for much longer. There is a future and I'm finally starting to get excited for it!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Preparation and Transition

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine." 
- Bruce Lee

I'm in the process of moving. I still have a month and a half before my personal dead line. I'm meeting a lot of criticism for my decision. There are times I just want to take those who are doing this and shake them and tell them to knock it off and let me make my own decisions. I'm 21, almost 22. Why in the world should I want to live at home with my 18 year old sister and my father, in a house outside of a town I hate?

I have several reasons but mainly it's just because I want to. Consider me stubborn or bull headed if you want, but I need to start being myself and stop trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. If you're in my life and you care about me, you will respect my decisions and not try to make them any harder. Stop telling me what I should feel, or what I should do. Stop telling me how I should act or where I should be in my life. I don't care. The people I love, I love as individuals. I can not say that I have always agreed with their decisions, nor can I say that I currently love people I loved when I was younger. You grow and change and massive personal decisions can result in massive personality development. This is an acceptable risk.

I believe I've arranged where I will be moving to in September (kind of. Waiting for final confirmation that this plan is a go), now I just need to stop spending my pay checks before I get them so that I can actually put money aside! Good news is, July will get me caught up on my bills. Everything I make in August, I should be able to bank. Now hopefully the good hours continue through August as well!

Thursday, July 5, 2012


Hey guys, do you see that gorgeous picture in the background? It's of Mestia, Svaneti in the Republic of Georgia.Those towers are hundreds of years old, or older and have survived more history than most of the world knows. The mountains in the background are some of the highest peaks in the world, and do belong to the highest peaks in Europe- the Caucus Mountains.

The Land of the Gold Fleece? I spent six months there and while I can't say I loved every minute of it, I loved every opportunity I had to get to know the land and the culture itself. It's amazing. I live in a major tourist area, took the travel and tourism course offered at my highschool, worked for two resorts (all though they were short work periods, one very positive and one very negative) and took care of children for tourists at another. I have wanted more people to go to Georgia. I have been interested in finding a way to promote social activism.

Yesterday a friend of mine who is newly married- and Georgian- created a group on Facebook to promote an initiative her American husband is trying to get going. Adventure tourism in Georgia. I'm *hoping* to join them on this venture, and start a tourism company. Anybody interested in adventure tourism in one of the worlds most beautiful and under explored countries?